Today felt as though my heart broke in many small and painful ways.
Not breaking breaking like first love; but a long, forever sadness kind of breaking.
I thought the hard parts were over. I thought I had healed from grief.
I thought I was getting on with life. I told friends I was better.
And these things are all true, but…
I feel indulgent and childish, but I am willing to admit – I wanted my mommy this morning. From the moment my eyes opened, I wanted to really talk with her about important stuff, and stupid things, and sweet memories. And maybe I wanted to cry a little (a lot). What I wanted most was the gift of her company. Sitting at the end of her bed visiting, or watching Perry Mason, or reading to her – just together.
Since she’s been gone, I have been talking to her and dreaming about her quite a lot. But today, I wanted the real thing. I wanted to hold her hand and rest my head on her shoulder. I wanted to bask in her light. I wanted to tell her I love her with all of my heart and soul. I wanted to feel our arms around one another; and I wanted to sit with her in companionable silence…until we might start to giggle.
When I was a teenager, I used to pull away from all the hugs she insisted upon. Squandering hugs like that, just imagine.
I remember when she used to tell me that someday, I would understand what she meant when she said she missed her mother every day.
Missing someone to the very bottom of your soul.
How could I really understand…Until.
I didn’t know.
Yesterday, when my heart was still a safe place, I was happy to just talk with spirit. I was satisfied she had heard me. Today is a different story. I ache for all the familiar silliness, and the sweetness, and even the crankiness. I long for the impeccable manners, the fake accents, the fabulous costumes. I long for my reading partner. I long for the person she was in all of her guises. I long to explore, and shop, and street hike with her. I long to talk antiques and classical music with her. I long to give her a kiss on the cheek. I long to feel my world turn right side up once again.
I miss you sweet Mommy.
I am so grateful to feel this love; but sometimes the pain is just unbearable, and this is one of those times.
But, I know you hear me, and I know you see me, and I know you are with me. Come visit my dreams. We can talk about anything you like.
AmyLee 08 29 2016