Heart Break

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Today felt as though my heart broke in many small and painful ways.

Not breaking breaking like first love; but a long, forever sadness kind of breaking.

I thought the hard parts were over.  I thought I had healed from grief.

I thought I was getting on with life.  I told friends I was better.

And these things are all true, but…

I feel indulgent and childish,  but I am willing to admit – I wanted my mommy this morning.  From the moment my eyes opened, I wanted to really talk with her about important stuff, and stupid things, and sweet memories.  And maybe I wanted to cry a little (a lot).  What I wanted most was the gift of her company.  Sitting at the end of her bed visiting, or watching Perry Mason, or reading to her – just together.

Since she’s been gone, I have been talking to her and dreaming about her quite a lot.  But today, I wanted the real thing.  I wanted to hold her hand and rest my head on her shoulder.  I wanted to bask in her light.  I wanted to tell her I love her with all of my heart and soul.  I wanted to feel our arms around one another; and I wanted to sit with her in companionable silence…until we might start to giggle.

When I was a teenager, I used to pull away from all the hugs she insisted upon.  Squandering hugs like that, just imagine.

I remember when she used to tell me that someday, I would understand what she meant when she said she missed her mother every day.

Missing someone to the very bottom of your soul.

How could I really understand…Until.

I didn’t know.

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Yesterday, when my heart was still a safe place, I was happy to just talk with spirit.  I was satisfied she had heard me.  Today is a different story.   I ache for all the familiar silliness, and the sweetness, and even the crankiness.  I long for the impeccable manners, the fake accents, the fabulous costumes.  I long for my reading partner.  I long for the person she was in all of her guises.  I long to explore, and shop, and street hike with her.  I long to talk antiques and classical music with her.  I long to give her a kiss on the cheek.  I long to feel my world turn right side up once again.

I miss you sweet Mommy.

I am so grateful to feel this love; but sometimes the pain is just unbearable, and this is one of those times.

But, I know you hear me, and I know you see me, and I know you are with me.  Come visit my dreams.  We can talk about anything you like.

 

 

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AmyLee 08 29 2016

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About amosgirl

Now that I'm a grownup, I'm learning to use my words. The stories of my life and my family began as an expression of my love. Please enjoy - I hope they make you smile.
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3 Responses to Heart Break

  1. Heartbreaking. So sorry for your loss. This reminds me not to take my own mother for granted… Because someday…. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  2. amosgirl says:

    Being with my mom until she died taught me so much. No one ever tires of hearing: I love you; you are important to me. I’m so grateful I could say that to mom, and all of the other little things I was granted during that time.
    Thank you for reading this post Melissa. I’m sending hugs to you and your mom.

    Like

  3. So touching! You are so powerfull, and passionate writer, go on!

    Liked by 1 person

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