Heart Break

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Today felt as though my heart broke in many small and painful ways.

Not breaking breaking like first love; but a long, forever sadness kind of breaking.

I thought the hard parts were over.  I thought I had healed from grief.

I thought I was getting on with life.  I told friends I was better.

And these things are all true, but…

I feel indulgent and childish,  but I am willing to admit – I wanted my mommy this morning.  From the moment my eyes opened, I wanted to really talk with her about important stuff, and stupid things, and sweet memories.  And maybe I wanted to cry a little (a lot).  What I wanted most was the gift of her company.  Sitting at the end of her bed visiting, or watching Perry Mason, or reading to her – just together.

Since she’s been gone, I have been talking to her and dreaming about her quite a lot.  But today, I wanted the real thing.  I wanted to hold her hand and rest my head on her shoulder.  I wanted to bask in her light.  I wanted to tell her I love her with all of my heart and soul.  I wanted to feel our arms around one another; and I wanted to sit with her in companionable silence…until we might start to giggle.

When I was a teenager, I used to pull away from all the hugs she insisted upon.  Squandering hugs like that, just imagine.

I remember when she used to tell me that someday, I would understand what she meant when she said she missed her mother every day.

Missing someone to the very bottom of your soul.

How could I really understand…Until.

I didn’t know.

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Yesterday, when my heart was still a safe place, I was happy to just talk with spirit.  I was satisfied she had heard me.  Today is a different story.   I ache for all the familiar silliness, and the sweetness, and even the crankiness.  I long for the impeccable manners, the fake accents, the fabulous costumes.  I long for my reading partner.  I long for the person she was in all of her guises.  I long to explore, and shop, and street hike with her.  I long to talk antiques and classical music with her.  I long to give her a kiss on the cheek.  I long to feel my world turn right side up once again.

I miss you sweet Mommy.

I am so grateful to feel this love; but sometimes the pain is just unbearable, and this is one of those times.

But, I know you hear me, and I know you see me, and I know you are with me.  Come visit my dreams.  We can talk about anything you like.

 

 

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AmyLee 08 29 2016

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About amosgirl

Now that I'm a grownup, I'm learning to use my words. The stories of my life and my family began as an expression of my love. Please enjoy - I hope they make you smile.
This entry was posted in Poetry and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Heart Break

  1. Heartbreaking. So sorry for your loss. This reminds me not to take my own mother for granted… Because someday…. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  2. amosgirl says:

    Being with my mom until she died taught me so much. No one ever tires of hearing: I love you; you are important to me. I’m so grateful I could say that to mom, and all of the other little things I was granted during that time.
    Thank you for reading this post Melissa. I’m sending hugs to you and your mom.

    Like

  3. shows'n'movies says:

    So touching! You are so powerfull, and passionate writer, go on!

    Liked by 1 person

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